How to Earn the Trust of a Dog That Doesn’t Trust

Last night I experienced maybe the most joyous 10 minutes of my life.

It was still mostly dark when I came back to bed after going to the bathroom. Lola had moved from her side of the bed closer to mine.

She looked so peaceful and comfortable as I tried to fit my body into whatever space remained. Then, still asleep, she moved closer and rested her face on mine looking totally sweet and trusting. She stayed that way for over an hour.

The warmth of that scene was deeply beautiful, but to fully appreciate it you need to know more about Lola.

Most of the time she is not even slightly trusting. She’s been fine with me since the first night she came to live with me. It only took acouple of hours riding home from the shelter for her to adopt me as her guy. But for her to feel comfortable with another person can take a few months of contact.

I found out later that Australian Cattle Dogs like Lola typically adopt one person as their main companion. After a few months, she became comfortable and loving with two women who are close friends of mine. We now have four people and five dogs in our inner circle.

Reactivity with Non-familiar People and Dogs.

On the street she is fearful and suspicious of every dog and person who comes near. After every few seconds she turns her head back to see if anyone is approaching. She’s like a Secret Service agent guarding the president and making non-stop threat assessments.

She is always hyper vigilant—even when sound asleep. She jumps out of bed and races to the living room to bark and growl at anyone she detects walking near the house. She responds to things I can’t see and sounds I can’t hear.

A mother pushing a baby stroller is a major trigger. A kid riding a bike is the worst. Something about the motion excites her Cattle Dog genes.

Yet despite her suspicious nature, she seems to trust me more each day.

With shelter dogs, you’re never sure about their background. In Lola’s case it looks like there was poor socialization, if any. There was also at least one abusive home. So she carries scars around with her that make it hard for her to fit in.

 I’m delighted with our mutual bond of trust. I had to get used to her Cattle Dog trait of putting her teeth on me several times a day, always gently, and jumping in my lap or face, not always gently. She can’t get enough of me.

It’s a good start. Now I want her to extend her trusting at least a little more to the people and dogs that are our neighbors. And with this we have a long way to go.

Things I Learned About Building Trust With Your Dog

I’ve lived in a community for 10 years that is heavily invested in dog culture. I developed close relationships with several dogs. I’ve read many books on dog behavior, spent time with behaviorists, and watched countless training videos on YouTube and TikTok.

Here are some tips that work at building the bond and trust with your dog. And they are critically important with dogs who are anxious or untrusting.

Dogs are not all the all the same. Some of the following techniques will work better than others on your dog.

• Building trust can take weeks or months. Don’t rush it. Let it grow at its own pace.

• Start with a consistent daily routine that minimizes scary surprises and stick to it.

• Consistency helps your dog feel more at home in his environment. It develops a background of trust.

• Give them a safe space to keep them from fear and anxiety, like a crate they can go to when confronted with new people in the house.

• Don’t put them in situations at home or on walks that could scare or overwhelm them. When they start to feel anxious, create distance from the trigger to make them feel safe again.

 • At home a crate can become a safe space to them once they get used to it. Never use it for punishment, and reward them when they’re in it.

• If you’re going to be gone for a while, keep a light on, set the temperature to a comfortable level, keep music, radio, or TV on at a low level in the background. They sell small inexpensive music players for dogs with relaxing music included.

• Respect how they feel in the moment.

Keeping them from things they feel are threatening is not enough. How you show affection needs to be tailored to their immediate feelings. They want and need physical affection. It builds trust. But let them set the limits as your relationship develops. Let them decide when.

Let them decide how much. Let them decide on how you show it.

Pet them a little then stop. They’ll come right back if they want more. If not, that’s enough for now.

They might want to lean on you or even sit in your lap. But they probably don’t want you to pick them up. And they definitely don’t want you to hug them. Most dogs hate it, becausethey feel trapped.

• Don’t use punishment, especially harsh punishment for correcting bad behavior.

Don’t yell at them. Don’t hit them. It hurts your relationship, especially with smart, independent breeds, like Lola. Minor corrections can work if they follow immediately after the problem behavior.

Frequently dogs don’t even know why they are being punished. This damages your bond and erodes their trust in you. Most trainers think positive reinforcement works better most of the time.

Giving treats, gentle petting, and loving words of praise improve behavior and also build trust. Training is easier and more fun for all when it’s enjoyable. Now when I ask Lola if she wants to do some training, she’s ecstatic and immediately runs to the place we usually do it.

And why not? She’s get treats, words of praise, mental stimulation, and a feeling of accomplishment. As a result, she learns new behaviors quickly. All this is important for most dogs, especially working breeds.

• Be on the lookout for new tricks to work on together.

I find myself falling into a stale routine with training. You need to spice it up.

• Be a good leader, cool and confident.

You can lead by example by staying calm when you want them to be calm. This is a hard one for you. If your dog lunges quickly at a person or another dog, it’s not easy to stay calm. But if you get excited, it makes your dog even more excited.

• During moments of anxiety, work to calm your dog and to stay calm yourself.

• You build trust and your bond by being an affectionate and confident companion. Use a pleasant voice and a soft touch.

Your attitude lets them know you are not going to hurt them or let any person or dog hurt them. Advocate for them when they feel threatened by person or another dog. That shows him you are going to protect him and keep him safe.

Here’s a great video that explains how to advocate for your dog: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foRJri0f4aE . Make a habit of doing this whenever it’s needed.

• Sometimes you might need help, especially with dogs that are shy or anxious around strangers.

This is especially true with dangerous dogs. Seek out an experienced trainer who knows how to handle this kind of situation.

• Hand feed them as much as possible.

Some people use their hands. I hold the food bowl until they’re done. Food is important to most dogs. Play a part in providing it for them.

• Walks are an important trust-building activity.

An often overlooked part of daily walks is the mental stimulation. Let them sniff all they want to learn more about their world. For some stupid reason, many owners and trainers resent giving their dogs the freedom to sniff. This is an obnoxious way to treat an animal who relies so much on scent and the mental stimulation it provides.

Some enlightened owners, enroll their dogs in nose work classes to take their sniffing to a higher level. There are even inexpensive nose work kits for the do-it-yourselfers.

Try to keep walks unplanned and relaxed. Go on adventures together once in a while. You can use a mix of familiar paths, but mix them up with walks to new areas and new scents to stimulate their curiosity.

• Talk to them as you would to a friend.

They might not understand your words, but they understand your feelings. Dogs process the meaning of your words in one part of their brains (the semantic content), but they also process the feelings behind your words (the affective content) in another area of their brains.

This is another reason to use a pleasant tone of voice. Many dog owners and much research shows that baby talk works even better than regular talk.

The tone can be even more important than what you say. The many trainers and behaviorists that say to limit your speech to dogs to one or two words miss this important point. Try it yourself and you’ll see what I mean.

Don’t worry about your dog understanding you. It always amazes me how much my dogs understand what I’m saying. They seem to get almost all the important things I’m trying to communicate.

• Grooming is a useful tool.

If they’re scared, like when you try to cut their nails or brush their teeth, go slowly and gradually. This lets you desensitize them to the activity. And it’s better if you do most of it yourself rather than going to a grooming salon. Frequent treating is a plus. It takes time, so be patient.

Here are my favorite methods. They are not usually talked about.

• Use long eye contact.

When you’re close together and making eye contact with each other, make the eye contact deeper and hold it a bit longer. Feeling good and showing your love, you can see and feel your mutual bond growing.

This works great for deepening a relationship when you are already comfortable with each other. Don’t do it with a strange or nervous dog who might find direct eye contact threatening.

• Lots of scritches.

In the early morning, right after she wakes up, I give Lola scritches (gentle but firm rubbing scratches) right above her tail and behind her ears. Both areas are sensitive. Be sure to do it at least once a day. Dogs are very tactile and enjoy being touched by loved ones (not so much by strangers).

• Don’t leave then alone too long.

And when you come back, special treats are a good idea. Many trainers will caution you to not make your return or exit too emotional. It makes the dog think it’s a big deal, and you’re trying to make them think the exact opposite.

• Provide the right amount of physical exercise and mental stimulation.

How much they need depends a lot of the breed. Larger dogs usually need more physical activity than small dogs. My experience with Huskies, Belgian Malinois, Pit Bulls, Border Collies, and Cattle Dogs bear this out. And working dogs generally need a lot more than lap dogs.

Most of us don’t provide enough mental stimulation. Puzzles, new experiences, and training are three great ways to work their minds. It makes them satisfied and less prone to mischief.

• Recognize individual differences.

It’s easy to compare them with your last dog or other dogs you know. I do it all the time. But all dogs are different. Different breeding and different experiences. So you might need to reset your expectations to match your current dog. Respect his individuality.

• With deep trust, there will a big reward for both of you.

There are many practical benefits that come from having a trusting relationship with your dog. And it’s good for your health and stress levels. But the exhilaration you’ll both feel countless times once you forge this bond is the greatest benefit of them all.

The first time I adopted a dog, a close friend told me that he would become my best friend. At the time I thought it was a goofy exaggeration. I had dogs as a kid, but none was really a friend.

But shortly after I adopted the dog and developed a deep relationship, I began to see there was no exaggeration at all in what my friend had told me. The dog’s name was Augie, and in less than 6 months, he was my best friend. Our 8 years together were some of the best years of my life and I still think of him each day. I chose Lola, because she reminds me of Augie.

References

Campbell, Dr. Sharon How to Build Trust With Your Dog https://www.zoetispetcare.com/blog/article/how-build-trust-dog

Durham, Jim How to Build Trust With Your Dog https://durhamkennels.com/blog/how-to-build-trust-with-your-dog/

Kriss, R. (2021, November 10). Dog anxiety:What dog owners need to knowAmerican Kennel Club. https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/health/treating-dog-anxiety/

John Manning